Having lived and worked in Europe for the past seven years, where everything to do with mobile phones is always noticeably better than what’s on offer stateside, I was amused by this fake tirade by the Fake Steve Jobs, who describes a phone call in which he berates AT&T head Randall Stephenson for not realizing what a gift the iPhone is (AT&T mentioned offhandedly the other day that they’d like to encourage some people to use the iPhone less on their network, which has the device exclusively, as apparently 3% of the customers are responsible for 40% of the data usage).

Fake Steve Jobs screams down the line at Stephenson, comparing the iPhone to “Meet the Beatles”:

Now there was a lot of demand for that record — so much that the plant that printed the records could not keep up. Now here’s the lesson. Do you think the guys who were running Capitol Records said, Gee whiz, the kids are buying up this record at such a crazy pace that our printing plant can’t keep up — we’d better find a way to slow things down. Maybe we can create an incentive that would discourage people from buying the record. Do you think they said that? No, they did not.

About America, Fake Steve Jobs laments:

We were leaders. We were builders. We were engineers. We were the best and brightest. We were the kind of guys who, if they were running the biggest mobile network in the U.S., would say it’s not enough to be the biggest, we also want to be the best, and once they got to be the best, they’d say, How can we get even better? What can we do to be the best in the whole fucking world? What can we do that would blow people’s fucking minds? They wouldn’t have sat around wondering about ways to fuck over people who loved their product.

And now here we are. Right here in your own backyard, an American company creates a brilliant phone, and that company hands it to you, and gives you an exclusive deal to carry it — and all you guys can do is complain about how much people want to use it. You, Randall Stephenson, and your lazy stupid company — you are the problem. You are what’s wrong with this country.

The whole article is an extremely tightly written piece of satire. Recommended for a hearty, bittersweet laugh.

21 December ’09: A few days later the follow-up fake phone call story appeared.

What I want you to notice is how it manages to be: 1) real; 2) helpful; 3) humourous but not jokey (good, since Innocent’s cornered the market in ha-ha quips). It conveys, “Yeah, okay, this is a computer talking to you, obviously, but behind that computer are real people who are competent and caring. And whom you can get a hold if you really need to.” Compare and contrast with the typical: DO NOT REPLY TO THIS MESSAGE bla bla bla, and the brand value of taking this higher — and not any harder — road becomes crystal clear.

Hello,

It’s Little MOO again. I thought you’d like to know, the following items from your order are now in the mail:

1 x MiniCards (100)

You requested Royal Mail delivery, which means it should reach you between 1 and 2 business days.

Remember, I’m just a bit of software, so if you have any questions regarding your order, the best place to start is with our Frequently Asked Questions. We keep the answers here:

http://www.moo.com/help/

If you’re still not sure, contact customer services, (who are real people) at:

https://secure.moo.com/service/

Thanks for ordering with MOO – we hope you love your order,

Thanks,
Little MOO, Print Robot

MOO
“We love to print”

More surprising to me was the thought — obvious enough when you think about it — that “trial volunteers who got real medication were also subject to placebo effects; the act of taking a pill was itself somehow therapeutic.”

What fascinated me most was this inset box, and what it suggests about design and branding:

What turns a dummy pill into a catalyst for relieving pain, anxiety, depression or the tremors or Parkinson’s disease? The brain’s own healing mechanisms, unleashed by the belief that a phoney medication is the real thing. The most important ingredient in any placebo is the doctor’s bedside manner, but the colour of a tablet can boost the effectiveness even of genuine medications.

Yellow pills make the most effective anti-depressants, like little doses of parmaceutical sunshine.

Red pills seem to contain power and can give you a more stimulating kick.

White tablets — particularly those labelled ‘antacid’ — are superior for soothing ulcers, even when they contain nothing but lactose.

The colour green reduces anxiety, adding more chill to the pill.

More is better. Placebos taken four times a day deliver greater relief than those taken twice daily.

Branding matters. Placebos stamped or packaged with widely recognized trademarks are more effective than ‘generic’ placebos.

In other news, buying branded handbags gives consumers more pleasure than buying generic bags. Anyway, read the original article if you want.